In Search of My Lost Self

This time it’s a bit personal,

I lost myself somewhere last year, It was not easy for me to cope up with that loss and I coudn’t find my old self anywhere as well yet. I believe it’s dead and I cannot be the same me anymore because that’s how life works and it’s a constant evolution and people who don’t evolve becomes extinct. I didn’t change for me and I’ve never done anything for me in the past few months and it’s depressing sometimes. You ask why can’t I? The answer is I just can’t, I tried and failed a 100 times in between, for what? to love myself again 🫡.

I used to be and am a freaking people pleaser, pleasing whom? the very few people around me who cares least about me. I depend on a few people on a daily basis, for what? for as basic as to have a smile on my face, yes at one point I did forgot how to smile, Aaaaghhh It was a hell of an experience. thanks to those same people I tied close to my heart because this current self of mine fears loneliness.

Expectations, emotional dependancy and overthinking was the new hobbies I got recently. My body weight is stagnant for these past couple of months and I haven’t done any workouts in these days as well, I believe it’s my brain draining all the calories, frying it up 24/7. Jokes apart, it’s not easy to be in this state TBH, there are sleepless nights, breathless heaviness in heart, frequent cycles of overwhelmedness 🫠. I feel helpless often.

I was once very vocal about my respect, ego and pride, Now I just accept, shut up and disappear from the people and places I don’t recieve those, It’s the least I can do to myself, a new way of standing up for myself. I’m trying to narrow down my dependencies, but some things are so deep that we forgot our individuality even though it’s so unhealthy for us blaaah, sometimes life takes you there, hope for the better days ahead. yeah H.O.P.E if it was not hope we may not have been where we are. I still have high hopes of a beautiful future.

So I’m trying to be at peace with my current self, I’ll still do all those unhealthy things to cope up, I don’t have an option right now, somewhere round the corner I may find peace إن شاء الله

Faris 🙂